Black women dating need to become confident in their own skin before searching for The One. How women feel about themselves will broadcast to their dates. While men may or may not pick up on it consciously, they do subconsciously.
“Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson
Well, exactly who are you? As one of the black women dating in the millennium, do you feel out of step with what life offers you? Do you feel discouraged and ready to throw up your hands on the black dating scene?
The thing to do may be to stop dating until you pull yourself together—that is—until you’re able to see yourself in a more favorable light. Otherwise your relationships may be strained by your insecurities.
Ella is a pretty, free-spirited young woman, a globetrotter who travels the world in search of herself. She looks great in skinny jeans and could be a poster woman advertising good health. However, it wouldn’t take long to realize that there’s something off about Ella. She’s a bit standoffish and her shoulders sag. And when you talk to her, she complains about her body image. “My legs are too skinny. I have no butt. I have big feet.” Ella dates but complains that her relationships never work out.
According to David Garner, contributing writer for Psychology Today, “Our body perceptions, feelings, and beliefs govern our life plan—who we meet, who we marry, the nature of our interactions, our day-to-day comfort level. Indeed, our body is our personal billboard, providing others with first—and sometimes only—impressions.”
It’s easy to think that you’re not good enough. If this tape plays in your head often, it’s likely that it started in childhood, stemming from what your parents, teachers, peers, and others said about you. In addition, the tape could’ve started rolling from negative perceptions you conjured up yourself.
Ella, like so many black women dating, may have compared her body to swimsuit models and starlets. Do you strive to look like them? If so, this may be a cause for having low self-esteem.
Even the models and starlets in real life don’t look like the people they portray. Makeup, hair extensions, cosmetic surgery, airbrushing, professional photography, and other props come to their rescue.
Having confidence requires a healthy self-concept, not only when it comes to black dating, but also on the job and in relationships with people in general.
You need not have a body like the woman above to feel great about yourself. You are more than just your body, much more. And some women who do have bodies like swimsuit models still have low self-esteem.
As one of the black women dating in the millennium, she decided to stop dating for a period of time to work on her herself. If you have a self-esteem issue, do what Ella did.
She challenged herself by changing the tape in her head that was constantly force-feeding her negative thoughts and images about herself.
Below are tips that Ella used to improve her self-concept. She would advise you to:
Thank your eyes for giving you images about the world. Thank your ears for the ability to hear the voice of love ones. The more you focus on the positive, the more it will become a habit and you’ll also recognize the positive in others.
Do those activities that make you feel uplifted. Is exercise your thing? Then sign up for a gym membership. Feel good through fitness and look good at the same time.
Eliminate negativities in your life. If you still have that photo of your last guy, the one who constantly belittled you, shred it.
Change the things about yourself that you can and don’t worry about the rest. By the time you finish counting your blessings, your confidence will be moon bound.
And you, as one of the black women dating in our society, will radiate the unmistakable new you, not only to your date, but to all within your environ.
You deserve all the positives life has to offer. Yes you do!!!
Garner, David. "Body Image In America: Survey Results." https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199702/body-image-in-america-survey-results.
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